Hugh: BLOGS FROM THE ROAD

Hello my friends!

Welcome to my latest tales from the road blog. I had so much to put in this weeks blog I decided to hold some stories back for another time....yes indeed it was a real event filled weekend. Here's just some of what went down....

RED ALERT

Another story about a red haired wild woman. I've said it before and I'll ask it again what is it with me and red headed women? I am not going to use her real name in this blog instead I'm going to call her 'firecracker'.

Firecracker was very enthusiastically cheering me on Friday night screaming and shouting (it was kind of borderline sexual sounding) and I joked over the microphone "Hey what's she drinking? I want one of those!" (a line taken from the movie 'When Harry met Sally').

I was wearing a batman shirt and seeing this firecracker cupped her hands upside down over her eyes like she was cat woman and looked at me as if to say 'mmeeeooooww'.

Then to everyone's astonishment firecracker pulled off a gymnastic party trick she lifted up one of her legs and without much effort put it up behind her head!!

Seeing this Olympic karma sutra move I asked her over the microphone "So what is it with you and the whole cat woman thing and now the body contortions are you into S & M?". (That turned a few heads)

I was trying to stir the pot so to speak but instead of being embarrassed firecracker just looked at me blankly as if to say 'Duh of course I am'. Her nonchalance had every one laughing. Firecracker was gutsy.

A while later firecracker shouted up that she wanted me to make an announcement for her over the microphone. She wanted me to tell the crowd that...ahem...and I quote 'firecracker wants to get laid'.

I'm not making this up.... I have multiple witnesses.

Later when I took a break firecracker handed me a pint of beer and said "This is for you honey" and as she strode past me towards the front door she ran her fingers aggressively through my hair. I guess subtly isn't firecrackers thing.

Strangely this won't be the last time I mention dominatrixes in this weeks blog! (Dictionary definition of dominatrix: A woman who acts out the role of the dominating partner in a sadomasochistic relationship).

RELIGION

On a serious note my friend Carol Ann from Fresno had a interesting blog up the other day that inspired me to talk briefly with you about the thorny subject of Religion.

In the wake of the Danish Muslim cartoon controversy and past death threats (fatwa's) put out on writers such as Salman Rushdie (author of 'The Satanic Verses') its not really a surprise that a new book by author Shelly Jones entitled 'The jewel of Medina' was recently taken off book shelves.

Jones book which is described by the Washington Post as a "fictionalized story of one of Muhammad's wives" was taken off the shelves by publisher Random House for fear of a Muslim backlash, like the backlash seen after the Danish cartoon's of Muhammad were published.

Perhaps you could care less but I think its tragic. From just the idea of Mary Magdalene being Jesus' wife to this. The fundamental questions here no one seems to really want to answer are......


1. Why are religious radicals so afraid of free speech?

2. Why out of a sense of political correctness are we as a culture empowering these radicals to silence OUR freedom of speech? and

3. What's with these radicals fear of women?

I believe the answers here are obvious and telling.


If you are interested here is a link to the above mentioned Washington Post article that Carol Ann had in her blog:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/08/20/AR2008082003956.html

PURE ROMANCE?

"I've been watching you all night" this was the opening line that two of my friends in Tucson got on Saturday night from a mysterious saleswoman on the prowl!

She then took two of her business cards out and slid them across the table foxily with her two index fingers and continued

"You two girls seem really close, like you share everything, go to the restroom together....in fact you girls look like you like to have a good time".

Hang on...what did she say? "You look like you like to have a good time". What the f**k did she mean by that? It could be an innocent statement sure ...but more likely it was utterly loaded with innuendo.

Was this saleswoman simply saying that they look like they enjoy chick flicks and baking cookies? or that they looked like tramps? or lesbians? or closet dominatrixes?

I guess fun can be anywhere you want to take it.

My friends were stunned, should they feel complimented or insulted?

This un subtle saleswoman then finished her pitch by inviting the girls to a 'Pure Romance' party and told them that she personally also gave quote unquote "classes". Wahoo...lookout!

This is what was written on this woman's card:

Personal Consultant @ Pure Romance:

In-Home Parties for Adult Women.

Lotions, Lingerie & Romance Products.

www.pureromance.com

You have got to visit this website its f**king priceless. The quote on the online store page is "From foreplay to the big O. We have every product you need to spice up your love life".

Pure romance? I don't think so.

QUOTES, FLYERS AND STICKERS:

This is a quote from a flyer promoting a new taxi service in Tucson.....

"$2 OFF ANY RIDE OVER $10". A ride in Ireland is one of the many ways we describe sex so you can see why I thought this one was funny.

This is from a sticker I saw on the back of a big truck: "This cowgirl needs more than an 8 second ride".

This was written on a guys t-shirt in bold white letters..."COCKS". Please don't tell me that's the name of a football team...seriously.

"I wanna get loaded and laid" the opening line and title of the Irish American potty mouthed blues sensation Maggie's crowd pleasing song.

When Maggie comes up to do her special guest spot in my Tucson shows I just stand back and make room for the queen! Mick Jagger says as a singer / front person you've got to own the stage and Maggie does just that.

HUGH NATION SHIRTS

My friend Dave Mc Guiggan from Tucson recently took it upon himself to design a much needed shirt for the many enthusiastic Hugh fans out there.

The back of the t-shirt will have the quote "This is an Irish bar. This is what we do!". My friend Brad from Riverside was actually the first person to coin the phrase 'Hugh Nation'. I thought it was fun and subsequently used it in my blog describing my wonderful fans. Dave thought it was a cool way to describe Hugh fans too and added the word NATION to the logo.

I like it a lot, tell me what you think? Your feedback is encouraged.

Have a great week my friends.

Hugh

Hello my friends,

I played in Fresno this weekend where its always good times. This was my first weekend back in Fresno since my usual venue there Moynihan's Irish pub sadly closed down.

INTRO: THERE'S ALWAYS DRAMA IN THE CLUB...& THE PUB!

As 50 cent says in 'In Da Club' and I quote "There's always drama in the club". Well this is how it is in the rap world and it actually its pretty much the same in the Irish world except our drama unfolds not in a club but in the pub.

PART 1: CANCELLED

Well my weekend started off with an incident of this pub drama, I arrived at the new venue about 4:30pm on Thursday I was greeted with words to the effect of "Hi , what are you doing here? you've been cancelled". Nice. Just what you want to hear after renting a car and driving four hours.

I was then sent to see the new general manager (GM) who I had never met before. Thankfully he was understanding and asked me to wait while he called 'the owners' he wanted to try and find an amicable solution to our predicament. Basically what had happened was that 'the owners' of this establishment had told their managers to book music and then without warning did a 360 and told them to pull it.

I waited for almost two hours before I finally got the go ahead to play, but, it would be just for one night. It was only because of the GM's insistence that I got that. The owners had bigger fish to fry.

PART 2: THE POWER OF THE PIRATE CHOIR

When the word got out to my fans, I prefer to think of them as friends, in Fresno (aka The Moynihan's Pirate Choir) that this maybe my last show in Fresno (there are no other Irish bars that do 'live' music in town) they came out in force.

Fired up about 'their Hugh' being put through the cancellation drama some of them took it upon themselves to approach the all powerful owners and the GM directly looking for answers!

Hearing the devotion of these locals to yours truly the owners came out to see what all the fuss was about. Outside they saw a big crowd dancing, clapping and singing.... it was infectious. This was a normal of show for me and the pirate choir but an explosion of never before seen energy to the owners.



I guess they were impressed because awhile later the GM comes up to me during my set and tells me the owners now want me to come back again ow night (as originally scheduled).With mixed feelings I nicely said I needed to think about it.

So I then asked the crowd over the microphone "Hey, how would you like me to come back here again tomorrow night?" without hesitation they roared "YAHHHHHH" and who am I to argue with the pirate choir!

So lets recap I was cancelled, left hanging for hours then reluctantly rehired for one night only. Then later after witnessing the glory of the pirate choir I am asked to play for a second night! Oh the needless drama of it all...from disaster to victory in a matter of hours this is the power of yours truly and the Moynihan's pirate choir. Together we are a force to be reckoned with.

PART 3: SENDING OUT RIPPLES OF WATER INTO THE METAPHORICAL WATER OF LIFE ENERGY (NO I'M NOT SMOKING CRACK BEE-ATCH)

There really are some wonderful things that happen at, or indirectly because of Hugh shows and this weekend was no exception. I know that sounds kind of cocky but I don't mean it that way, let me give some examples.....

1. I saw a woman who I know has bad knees and bad hips get up and dance like she was out at her prom. The smile on her face was priceless.

2. I saw the look on Mike Moynihan's (former owner of Moynihan's pub) face seeing first hand that Moynihan's maybe closed but the spirit of his Moynihan's pub continues on through the Moynihan's pirate choir. Its sad that his bar closed but what a fun legacy to have a big hand in creating.

3. A cute couple who had got together after meeting at my last Fresno show. P.S. I know but won't be specific about many other couples in Fresno who have gotten together or who have gotten their 'be fruitful and multiply' on Hugh nights but I'll say no more...for now!

4. Certain pirate choir men and women who if you'd bet with me about the chances of them getting up to dance I'd have said there's more chance of hell freezing over and yet there they were up front and center dancing!

I'm not claiming to be some kind of healing hands preacher rolling out miracles and lifting the conjugal spirits of my flock with rousing sermons (about drunken sailors with whiskey in a jar?) I mean c'mon seriously I'm just an Irishman with a guitar! still though small miracles do happen. The ripples of good vibes in the metaphorical water of life energy I vibrate do spread out and have an effect. Its a nice unexpected bonus from what I do.

P.S. I know there's some real arty farty talk in that last paragraph but f**k it I'm an artist bee-atches....and no I don't smoke crack.

UNDERAGE OLYMPIANS & BIGFOOT HOAXERS

The Olympics are always fun to watch and I am sure most of you have caught some of the action. The Olympics can be both exhilarating and heartbreaking to watch.

Seeing athletes breaking world records or being overcome by the pressure. To see them winning or losing by the tightest of margins. The Olympics are certainly not short on drama.

The only negative for me about this level of competition is the devious extent to which some will go to win. For example did any of you see the gold medal winning female Chinese gymnastic team? The age requirement to take part in the gymnastics is 16 and these Chinese athletes couldn't have been more than 11 or 12, they were tiny in comparison to their American counterparts (who won silver).

I don't blame the kids its hardlr their fault. It seems to me that it would be much easier to compete in gymnastics when your body is practically half the weight of your opponents. Their passports say they are over 16 (but paper never refused ink) and the Olympic committee says they have to take the Chinese government at their word (hah!). This picture speaks a thousand words. Its some of the most obnoxious cheating I have ever seen.



Moving on but continuing on the theme of cheating / lying there's last weeks big foot in the box story, I am sure you've seen the pictures online or on the news. Even before the press conference last Friday , which was to reveal scientific proof, these supposed big foot hunters were already offering tours (for $450) of where they found big foot on their website. The results of the DNA tests on the body...opossum DNA....good lord. did they stuff a costume full of road kill? (See pic below)



What a sad f**king picture that is...later on Friday night I heard an interview on Coast to Coast AM with a costume designer who swears that its a costume he made on the 'body' in the box. (ouch)

So what do you think about the Chinese gymnastic team, should they be investigated? and as for the big foot thing have any of you ever see one or know of someone who has? (I know I am a hairy bastard but I don't count) your comments are encouraged.

Have a great week my friends.

Hugh

Hello my friends!

This weeks blog is a full one, it features a real motley crew of characters!!

There's a mountain lion attack hoaxer, a dumb ass job seeker, a quasimodo-frodo hybrid, nudist swingers, a heavenly steak creator, seafaring zombies, a chair wielding party animal, an Irish American potty mouthed blues singer sensation, a Scottish pitbull lassie, a wonderful tattooed hairdresser and the wonderful arrival of baby Lincoln David Boulton into the world. Yes its been one hell of a weekend!

IT'S IN THE STARS:

I had to share this story with you. Its a story that was widely reported locally here in Orange County its just f**king priceless. Oh what some people will do for their 15 minutes of fame and how readily the media will indulge them.

The initial report was that a man in Orange County came across a Mountain Lion and her two cubs and thinking the cubs were cute decided to quote unquote "pet them", Mama lion then got pissed and attacked him, slashing his arm with her paw.

The man then ran away and went for help at a local gas station. He was then taken to hospital for treatment. Reports of this attack forced the closure of the park where the attack took place and a nearby local school was also closed while a search for the mountain lion family began.

A day later no trace of the mountain lions were found and according to experts the wounds on the man were not those of a mountain lion attack but instead injuries consistent with a bad fall. It also emerged the man involved was homeless and somewhat crazy. When interviewed on the local O.C. evening news the man maintained his story and said he just felt compelled to touch the lion cubs not just because they were cute but also because his star sign is Leo, because he too was part of the lion family!!

Click on the link below to see this story:

http://cbs2.com/local/Mountain.Lion.Orange.2.789291.html

HOW NOT TO GET A JOB:

Ok so I'm sitting at the bar in the Auld Dubliner in Tucson on Friday afternoon talking to the barman when in walks this quirky looking girl looking for a job, for the purposes of this blog I'm going to call her Marge, here is the conversation that followed......

Marge: "Do you have any job openings?"

Barman: "Yes, do you have a resume?"

Marge: "No I don't have one with me." (Doh!)

Barman: "Do you have any experience?"

Marge: "Yes I've three years server experience."

Barman: "Great, just drop in your resume and with that experience you'll have a good chance of getting hired."

Now this is when things got a little odd...

Hugh: (being friendly) "You'd fit in well here, you look kind of Irish?"

Marge: "Oh, is this an Irish bar?" (Doh!)

Barman: (In disbelief) "Yes."

Marge then looked around at the bar and seeing the stage where my music equipment was set up she asked "Do you have music here?" (Doh!)

Barman: "Yes, its this guy here." (pointing at me)

Marge: "You're a musician" (Doh!)

Hugh: "Yes."

Hugh: (sensing a need to clarify I said) "You look Irish because of your red hair"

Marge: (as if I had insulted her) "My hair is not red."

Marge's hair was clearly red. (DOH!)

At this point the barman and I exchanged glances as if to say WTF?

Hugh: (still trying to be friendly) "Oh I guess that's it then I'm officially color blind."

Marge then turns around with attitude and walks out of the bar???

So lets recap.....

1. Marge comes into the bar looking for a job without a resume.

2. She doesn't know the place is Irish even though the wording 'The Auld Dubliner, Irish bar and restaurant' is painted up larger than life outside the front door and the inside decor of the bar is obviously Irish themed.

3. She asks if the bar has live music after clearly seeing that there was musical equipment set up on the stage in the bar.

4. After the barman told her I was a musician Marge proceeds to immediately ask me if I am a musician?? and finally......

5. She was in complete denial about the actual color of her own hair!?

This may have been a great strategy to get herself committed to an asylum but this was definitely how NOT to get a job!

PLANET MCDONALDS:

Its Friday night after the show I pull into a local drive through McDonalds with my friend Dave but we were about to get more than just fast food. This visit was soon to become dinner and a show!

Suddenly, driving way too fast and nearly rear ending a parked vehicle up pulls a battered little car parallel to the drive through lane right across from the service window. The driver rolls down his car window and shouts at the service window "Hey is my order ready?" to which the server replies "Yeah c'mon in".

So out get the two occupants of the car and stagger across the drive through lane right in front of us. "I'M NOT THAT DRUNK!" shouted the driver in our general direction.


This guy was so drunk he staggered across the drive through lane like a Quasimodo-Frodo hybrid! Then as he got to the door he struggled to get it open. His friend tried to help but the driver shouted at him "GET OFF MY DOOR BITCH".

They practically fell in the door and then as we looked in the service window we saw the driver jump up and straddle the counter!!

I asked the server "Wow... what planet is he from?"

She laughed and said "Planet McDonald's!"

NUDIST SWINGERS:

A friend of mine in Tucson, who shall remain nameless, shared a hilarious story with me this weekend about his recent close encounter with a nudist swinger couple.

Nudist? Yes, because this couple claimed they lived in an exclusive apartment complex that was a nudist colony after 7pm!!

Swingers? Let me submit proof. Well the slam dunk is my friend and his female companion were invited back to the nudist colony plus my friend was kissed on the cheek by the male swinger in a way my friend described as "Beyond friendly, beyond European". Meanwhile my friends female companion was barked at by the lady swinger who shouted "I'm so drunk I can't believe you're not taking advantage of me".

IF GOD COOKED STEAK:

Yes if God cooked steak it would taste like the steak I've had in Tucson. My friend Kevin was the cook and armed with bbq steak cooking secrets passed on from his father 'Cooking with wolves' (okay so I made that part up) Kevin invited me to a bbq to share in his steak cooking skills.

These sacred steaks had been marinating for almost a week before Kevin cooked them. Every steak I'd ever had before these masterful creations was just tasteless rubber in comparison. This steak was like an explosion of tastebud fireworks!

However you wanted them, bloody or well done, Kevin had his buddies lining up and then wolfing down his heavenly steaks. I am now strongly encouraging Kevin to open up 'Kevin's Tucson Steakhouse'.

CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS:

This was the title of a 1972 zombie b movie I saw this weekend. It was a zombie movie that was SOOOO bad that it was good. Once I started watching it I couldn't stop, I just had to see what happened next. I was rooting so bad for some of the characters to get whacked, eaten....uhhhh...that sounds kinda weird. Anyway, I have seen zombies run, jump and fight like ninjas but this was the first zombie movie I've ever seen where the zombies could operate a yacht?? Zombie fans out there, you've got to see this one.

THE RIOT INCITER, POTTY MOUTH BLUES SENSATION AND SCOTTISH LAGER LOUT'S KARAOKE:

On Saturday night it really went off and as I encouraged the crowd to bang their glasses, clap their hands or just hit or bang anything along with me (I was singing Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues) my friend PJ decided to take this audience participation thing to a whole other level.

He picks up a chair and starts banging it off the floor in time with the music, he was soon copied by others. It looked like some kind of bizarre cult like ritual! He then started grabbing ladies randomly from the crowd and getting them up to dance he was a man possessed with having a good time! it was a great sight to see. He practically incited a riot of good times!

Later the night finished off brilliantly with a performance by the worlds first ever Irish American potty mouthed blues sensation (My friend Maggie) who rocked the house followed by a Scottish lager lout karaoke chorus line (Led by my friend Will) which sung a song that revealed what's really lying in wait under those Scottish kilts!

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SCOTTISH PIT BULL LASSIES:

Speaking of Scotland here's another story shared with me this weekend by my friend Erin. It was a story about how she was nearly stabbed in Glasgow, Scotland on a recent vacation. It was her first time in Scotland and being drunk she was dared by some local guys to go up and ask this little Scottish pitbull like lassie (girl) a personal hygiene question! These guys were obviously taking advantage of Erin's drunk 'stranger in a strange land' status but these smartarse bastards nearly got Erin in serious trouble.

So up Erin goes giggling and asks this little wee (small) pitbull Scottish lassie "Excuse me, do you wash your feet?". The pitbull lassie was not amused and got right up in Erin's face shouting abuse and threatening her. Erin tried to explain she was joking and was dared into it but this wee pitbull didn't care. The situation was diffused but looking back on it Erin felt she was lucky to get out of the place alive!

Upon hearing this story Erin's friend from Ireland Stephanie put things in perspective by telling Erin "Just be glad you didn't do that in Belfast". A truer word was never spoken.

ANNOUNCEMENTS!

Thank you to all my friends who made time to come out to see me this weekend I appreciate you all. Thanks to Kevin for his magnificent steaks and a big shout out to McGuiggan for letting me crash....again!

Congratulations to my Tucson friends David and Julia Boulton on the birth of their first child Lincoln.

Godspeed to my friend Will's brother who is being re deployed to Iraq in two weeks. I thank you Sir for your service to this great country that I feel fortunate to live in.

Finally a big shout out to Jessica for doing such a great job cutting my hair, what a wonderful gift, I am not worthy. I believe 'Hair by Jessica' will look magnificent in the credits of my new CD.

Have a great week my friends.

Hugh

Hello there!

Last week I got to experience my first significant earthquake! I was also transported back in time and inspired to write about some of my first musical memories by a friends blog and finally got to see my Yoda in concert!.....

WHOLE LOTTA SHAKIN GOIN ON:

Last week I got to experience my first strong earthquake living in California. It was a 5.4, which is considered moderate, although to me it didn't feel quote unquote "moderate". There was no major damage and no one was injured so that was obviously a good thing.

The strongest I've felt before this one was a 4.2 which was only a few seconds long. The difference between the 4.2. and 5.4 was pretty marked. This time the whole apartment shook and the rolling was very pronounced. It lasted at least 15 to 20 seconds.

It started with the shaking then as my wife and I got under a door frame with our eldest son (who was off school sick) the rolling started, its such a weird sensation. Your feet are flat on the ground but they feel like they are riding waves...kind of like surfing! Then when it ends you turn on the TV and they start saying things like "Hopefully that wasn't a warm up". WTF? Wow that was helpful lets put the whole city into panic..... f**king idiots.

Then up comes the nerdy experts dragged straight out of bed onto TV who are talking such techno babble about earthquakes they make you want to scream and then to top it off the reporters keep asking them the stupidest questions I have ever heard, for example, the expert says "Seeing dozens of aftershocks systematically dropping in intensity indicates this was not a precursor to a bigger quake" and then a reporter immediately asks " So what's the percentage chance of this being a precursor to a bigger quake". (DOH!)

It was a complete media clusterf**k. More like 5.4 on the dumb ass scale.

I don't want to think about what the aftermath of a 7.5 would be like. Still I'll take earthquakes over tornadoes and hurricanes any day.

DON MCLEAN, JOY DIVISION AND BLONDIE?

I was reading a friend of mines blog the other day, her name is Amy Penwell, she is a very talented San Francisco based singer songwriter and on her blog she has many brilliant stories including among other things stories about the first music that profoundly impacted her. Check out her great music and blog at: www.amypenwell.com

Reading Amys blog stories threw me hurtling back in time to the first music that had impacted me and I was inspired to share with you some of my first musical memories. Can you remember the first music, songs that 'got you'?

The first song that ever 'got me' was 'Starry Starry Night' by Don Mclean. I was about 6 years old and this song blew my mind. I would just sit by the record player and listen to it over and over again. One of the lines in this great song says "Colors changing hue" and apparently I thought Mr McLean was saying "Colors changing HUGH" as if he was singing it especially for me.

Later as a pre teen I remember the first song that really stopped me in my tracks emotionally. It was a song called "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by a band called Joy Division. Again I just kept playing it over and over but this time it was like I was trying to figure out what this song was doing to me! One time it would bring shivers down my spine another it would bring tears welling in my eyes. I was 12 and thinking "What the hell is wrong with me?". Oh the miracle of hormones.....

Speaking of hormones the first single I ever bought was "Heart Of Glass" by Blondie. I'll never forget the day I bought it. Just so you get the whole picture let me describe myself at 13.

I was 13, quite and shy, I had these horrible jam jar glasses and my hair cut was in a bowl like a f**king monk! As for fashion sense? I didn't have a whiff of it (some things never change).

The record store clerk must've seen my sorry ass coming and decided to have some fun me.

"Excuse me" I asked apologetically "Could I get Blondie's new single".

"Oh Union City Blues" the record store clerk said

"What?" I asked utterly confused... not realizing I was behind the times....this was Blondie's new follow up single to 'Heart of Glass'.

The store clerk continued (he was loving this opportunity to impress his fellow female store clerk who was giggling in the background...bitch)

"Blondie's new single is Union City Blues not Heart Of Glass is that what you want" he said as loud as he could. I felt so embarrassed.... it was as if I was trying to buy a porno mag or something.

"No.....heart of glass" I replied sheepishly

"That's not her new single" the clerk matter of fact barked (what a prick) to more giggles from his lady friend.

"I think we're all out of that one" he said.

In my mind I was thinking... NO...the cruelty...how can I go through this hell and then have to walk away empty handed??

Yes I guess being 13 was THAT dramatic.

But just when I thought the torture would never end...oh the agony!... the clerk shouts "It's your lucky day we've got one left".

Inside I screamed... Yah-f**king hoo! VICTORY!

So finally the grade A asshole clerk puts my single in a brown paper bag ?(ewww seedy) I pay him and as I walk out of the record store into an unusual sunny Dublin afternoon I felt like a bird in a cage released. I may have looked like a screaming super nerd but right then and there strutting down the road with my new Blondie single in hand, in my mind at least, I was cool.

SEEING YODA IN CONCERT?

Ok so I didn't really see 'THE' Yoda in concert, although I suspect he'd play a mean guitar, I did however get to see my songwriting teacher in concert for the first time last night. It was a new incredible music experience for me.

Her name is Harriet Schock and as well as being a wonderful songwriting teacher and my friend she is also an author and a multi platinum Grammy nominated artist. I first came across Harriet on the net where I came across her book about songwriting which is entitled 'Becoming Remarkable'.

Feeling like my original songs were not as good as they could be I read an extract from the book and immediately bought it. Although I had come across it accidentally it was exactly what I had been looking for, I'm not a coincidence guy so I call it fate.

When I got to meet Harriet and study with her privately my songwriting just blossomed I learned how to write about things I had never been able to write about before and I also learned how to take song ideas I already had and take them to the next level. (For those of you who have heard the new version of my original song 'Hollywood Ending' you know what I'm talking about)

Anyway back to the show last night. It was amazing and her level of artistry makes me sick!! but it is also profoundly inspiring. I have listened to her CDs which I love but seeing her 'live' brought another 10 - 15% to the songs that was just magical. Harriet may not be small, green and mean with a lightsaber but she is my Yoda and I don't care if it sounds nerdy but it is an honor to be her Padawan.

Checkout Harriet at www.harrietschock.com

Over the next few weeks you'll be hearing me play more of the new songs I have been working on with Harriet at all my shows.

Have a great week.

P.S. I'd love to hear your earthquake experiences and/or your earliest fun music memories. Please feel free to add your comments after the blog.

Hugh

This weekend I played locally in Riverside and finally got to see a movie I have been anticipating excitedly now for almost 10 years!

SHORT(S) ATTENTION SPAN (RIVERSIDE CATWOMAN?)

It was a good show on Saturday night in Riverside the crowd was up for it the staff were up for it. I even had a Guinness on stage! Yeah, It was like that.

I was of course up to my usual antics calling out English audience members giving any zombie non believers stick for not getting into things (although they were greatly outnumbered tonight) I was kicking ass and taking names.

Speaking of ass, oh what a horrible segue, from my vantage point as usual I got to see some strange sights for example this catwoman type girl who spent most of the night kneeling on top of a tall stool leaning over the bar like some kind of frisky feline temptress!

She was wearing these short, SHORT shorts that didn't leave anything to the imagination. It was kind of hard to miss. She was as subtle as a atom bomb. She may have been trying her damndest to get the barmans attention but the harder she tryed to catwoman her way into the barmans pants...I mean heart. I could see it wasn't the barman who was paying attention it was every red blooded male behind her that had her undivided attention.

It gave a whole new meaning to the expression short(s) atention span.

GOLDEN CHAIN LOVER MAN:

The strangest thing I saw on Saturday night though was this guy trying to chat up a friend of mine. For this little story I will simply refer to this character as the Golden Chain Lover man (GCL man)

Mr Rico Sua-ve or more acurately mr 'creepo swah-vay' was some piece of work. He was about 5 foot 6, a skinny ass mexican guy who was about as smooth with the ladies as sand paper on a babys butt. His first move, if you could call it that, was to place a cheap ass golden chain around my friends neck? Y'know one of those lame ass alcohol promoting plastic chains that light up. My friend told him to politely go away but he couldn't take a hint.

My friend goes out for a smoke and GCL man follows her. His next move was to start playing with her hair? Not in a romantic way though it was in a real hair fetish creepy kind of way!! This friend of mine can handle herself. Truthfully I was worried more about GCL mans personal safety! Shes from the Catholic side of Belfast (Ireland). Think a cross between Sarah Connor (terminator) and Ripley (Aliens) except shes Irish and fighting for the I.R.A. !!

Yeah its like that, she is not one to mess with.

She told him plainly "Get your hands off me..F**k off".

Violence seemed to be averted and when I finished playing for the night I sat down with my friends for a chat and guess who comes over for a third try?

Could this f**ker not take a hint? I couldn't hear what he whispered in my friends ear but by the look on her face I knew this guy was 10 seconds from a 911. I don't know wheter he was just stupid or desperate but as he walked away he ran his hands through her hair like some kind of sick freak.

It was as if time stopped. In my mind I thought if she has a concealed weapon this motherf**er is about to get a cap in his ass but just as I thought she was about to blow with all the self control of a buddist monk she calmly let it go!!

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? No thats all wrong hell hath no fury like an Irishwoman. This Riverside Rico suave should go to mass today say ten decades of the rosary and count his blessings because he just avoided the wrath of 800 years of tyranny...and then some.

MULDER & SCULLY'S LAST X-FILE?

Nerd alert...nerd alert: (you have been warned!) For those of you who don't know I am a huge x-files fan. So when finally the second x-files movie came out this weekend I was more excited than I've been in years to go and see a movie. I was nervous it would suck cause then there wouldn't be a third one! but thankfully the new movie delivered. Its more Hitchcock than Micheal Bay in that its more about the drama and suspense then the action. Its like a stand alone x-files episode, its not a conspiracy story. I strongly recommend it.

Unfortunately the x-files movie tanked at the box office in the U.S. this weekend bringing in only 10 million compared to the Will Ferrel comedy Step Brothers which took in 30 million (WTF?) and The Dark Knight which took in 75 million. Even f**king Mama Mia did better than the x-files 2 and that was in its second week. Is this some kind of evil twisted conspiracy against the x-files?

Perhaps Mulder and Scully's final case will be to try and understand why they have been beaten into retirement by the Step Brothers dumbfest and the Mama Mia gayfest....sounds like an x-file to me.

Speaking of conspiraces have you heard about the former astronaut Dr Edgar Mitchell (Apollo 14) who spoke out last week about the conspiracy to hide the truth about alien visitors on a British radio show? and then there is one the highest ranking and most distinguished officials of the Brazilian Air Force, Brigadier José Carlos Pereira, who is now openly calling for the worlds governments to quote "end the UFO secrecy" also Canada has now joined the countries around the world reporting record numbers of ufo sightings.

The evidence is mounting, I get the sense that all these events across the world are all somehow building up to something. Full disclosure may indeed be coming soon. I want to believe.

Have a great week my friends.

Hugh

Hello my friends this week I am doing a different type of tales from the road blog. This week I am doing a tribute. The reason for this tribute is that last week unfortunately Moynihan's Irish pub in Fresno closed.

(N.B. If you are a Moynihan's regular please post your favorite Moynihan's memories after the blog. Show Mike Moynihan some MySpace blog love!)

THE IRISH PUB EXPERIENCE

Moynihan's was one of my favorite places to play in the Southwest. A truly authentic Irish pub experience it was always fun but most of all it was the friends I made there that made it such a special place for me.

In Irish culture the local pub is the social center of the universe! A place where you go to meet friends a place to unwind catch up on the latest local news and gossip bitch whine moan laugh sing shout and generally get your yah yah's out! This is what Moynihan's was.

Moynihan's bargirl Chris described Moynihan's in her latest blog as "The Cheers of Fresno" and I think its an acurate description.

The fact that most of the songs recorded on my two 'live' cd's were recorded in Moynihan's is not a coincidence. Sit back, turn up the volume and listen to my live recordings in Moynihan's you can feel the energy from them...you can almost reach out and touch it. Close your eyes and you are right there in the middle of a Hugh night in Moynihan's.

The night I recorded my first 'live' cd in February 2007 in Moynihan's was a really special night and a turning point for me as an entertainer. In fact I have changed my entire performance philosophy because of it. That night inspired me to become so much more aggressive with the audiences I play for. When I think back to that night I get shivers, it was cosmic! the energy in the pub was electric.

I am sad Moynihan's is closed but I am grateful to Moynihan's for introducing me to so many great people with whom I have shared many great nights.

It seems as if my upcoming tales from the road blog book will now also be an official recording of Moynihan's history. Ten years, twenty years from now people will read about Moynihan's in the book and wish they could have been there. Some of us are lucky enough to say we were. Thank you Mike Moynihan, thank you pirate choir.

R.I.P. Moynihan’s Pub
(Bulletin & Blog by Chris)

Yes, it is official... Moynihan's, the Cheers of Fresno, is no more. I know that for some it was merely a hang out, but to many of the regulars it was a second home. The Pub was more than just a bar; it was a place to vent all your issues, good and bad... to let your hair down and be yourself... to connect with people and make so many amazing friends along the way. I know I'm a richer person because of the place, and I don't know what I'd do with out the wonderful friends I've made there. It was good to drive up on any given evening and be greeted by familiar faces instead of feeling akward and gawked at by strangers. There will never be a place where the Moynihan's Pirate Choir can enjoy Hugh with such enthusiasm or can scream "WHO THE F*CK IS ALICE" with such vigor! There will never be another place as fun or as meaningful as Moynihan's... it will never be the same without it.

QBall, Steve, Papa Joe, Carol Ann, Marty and I all hung out last night and had some laughs and tears in memorandum of the Pub. It was bittersweet.

With a heavy heart,

Chris, the bartender
AKA: "Just Chris"

AFTER BLOG COMMENTS:

Carol Ann:

MAN! Chris stabbed me in the heart with her bulletin and now it's been ripped out completely.
If I was a crier I would be balling my frakking eyes out right now! Your live CD's and that picture are sooooooo important now! Thanks for EVERYTHING Hugh - seriously!

Tami:

I wish we had a enough friends who I could sucker a dollar from and just give it to Mike for the Pub. I just wish I had them money myself. I would gladly give Mike the money for the Pub.

The stories have been great Hugh and the friends have been great too. I know that we could never replace Mikes place but maybe one day we will find a place that could be almost as much fun as "our Pub".

Sarah:

The first time Wendell went and saw you (Hugh), I was out of town at a race. When I got home, he told me all about this amazing guy named Hugh and how I had to go next time. "Yeah, yeah, yeah" I thought. So, the next time you were in town, Wendell drove me out there. I had NO IDEA what I was in for!

When I got home, I downloaded a bunch of songs and looked up the lyrics because I knew I wanted to be prepared for the next time.

After that, it was all over.
Every weekend, I'd ask Wendell, "Did you talk to Marty? Is Hugh coming??" I was like an addict!

I'm so sad to see the pub gone. It was something silly and fun that Wendell and I could agree on, every time.

Thank you Mike and Marty and Hugh and Chris. And everyone else.

Ashley:

I'm realy going to miss the place,the fun times,the crazy yet kick ass people and the great bar top dancing nights and the great guy who owned the whole dang thing mike....it will never be the same with out it all.

Brad:

Figures...Real Irish pubs close down while phony corporate owned cookie cutter "Irish" pubs keep popping up. Only wish I had made it up to see the Moynihan's experience up close and personal. You all make it sound like heaven for a crazy bastard like myself.

RIP Moynihan's...Unfortunately, you are a dying breed.

Maggie:

Well done Hugh....I am crying now for the loss of a great place.

Marty:

Well what can I say.....

This place was my home away from home from the beginning and Mike was truly like a big drunken father to many of us and our lives will NEVER be the same. It has been 2 fridays now and I still found myself driving there on instinct alone to join up with my fellow Pirate brethren to kick off the stress of another work week but found myself standing in front of a dark hole that was our refuge, place of confort or just our favorite port of choice.


From the time that I had a pint of Beamish with Mike to the the time we all met Hugh, to the retirement of my battle flag on the back wall, to meeting new and intresting friendships that will last a life time, to having late night conversations on a Tuesday night with out a care, to Mike and I being kicked out of his own bar(one of my favorite tales), to celebrating the birth of my daughter with close friends, to passing out on the table out front, to bouncing on St. Patricks day, to toasting out old friends at a few Irish wakes in those walls, to knowing that no matter what I did, who I was, Where I went or how I got there Mike or Chris would always be there with a cold beer a good joke or tale and a fine time........

This Cheers goes out to you.........

Slainte
Moynihans you will be missed but never forgotten!

Hello there. I hope you all had a great fourth of July weekend. Here's my latest tales from the road blog......I should warn you that this week I'm in somewhat of a ranting mood!

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE ALREADY HERE?

Ok lets get real here if you go into 'Hooters' you're going to see boobs, right? And if you go into 'The Rainforest Cafe' you are going to get the whole 'jungle rainstorm experience' right? So when you go into an Irish bar you expect to find Irish beer and Liquor, Irish food and Irish entertainment, right? Of course! Its a complete no brainer right?

I mean c'mon who decides to go into an Irish bar and then sit there like they just walked into a war zone? all shellshocked and horrifyed. It dosen't make sense.

Then they start acting as if we're all crazy and they are sane!! Its like grumpy seniors inhabiting young peoples bodies! These motherf**kers need a mirror.

I've talked about this phenomena before but now I have a new theory about it.

My theory is simply this, that the zombie apocalypse is already upon us.

Ok before you think I'm gone completely nuts just go with me here for a minute. I know these zombies aren't eating brains but in every other way these strange beings I keep encountering are really acting like zombies.

The definition of the term Zombie in the dictionary reads as follows.....

Zombie:

1. In folklore, an animated corpse. 2. [Slang] A person who is listless, machine like etc

These people are literally zombies! Void of personality they do not seem to show emotion and appear in a trance. They just stare blankly at me as if I'm singing in Chinese and look in astonishment at those around them clapping, cheering and generally having a good time. Have any of you seen these zombies? Could there be something to my theory? Has the zombie apocalypse covertly begun? Is it an Alien body snatcher like invasion? Or is it simply just too many people on too many meds?

Perhaps I should pass out an..... 'Irish bars for dummies / zombies' fact sheet

1. Irish meaning from the country Ireland.
2. 3,000 miles east of New York.
3. Its not in the U.K. (dumbass).
4. or the f**king British Isles (you f**kin dimwit).
5. Leprechauns DO NOT exsist. If they did I'd send one to your Mother.
6. Irish people do not say top of the mornin' to ya.
7. 'Lucky charms' cereal is to Ireland what Charles Manson is to America.
8. N.B. The Irish pub is a place for fun, removal of all corncobs is mandatory.
9. If you don't like it here F**K OFF.
10. Ireland is home to James Joyce, W.B Yeats, Oscar Wilde, Guinness, Cornbeef & cabbage, U2, Thin Lizzy, The Cranberries, Van Morrison, Damien Rice, The Swell Season, The Dubliners, The Wolfe Tones I could go on and on and on but surely you get the picture. Ireland = Genius

A penny for your thoughts.....

MORONS ON MY PHONE JESUS FREAKS AT MY DOOR

Ok its July the 4th its just after 9pm I'm standing outside with my family waiting to see the 'Knott's Berry Farm' fireworks display when my phone rings? I didn't recognize the number so I answered the phone (mistake). It was a sales call! (WTF)

Being too nice for my own good (as usual) I proceeded to explain to this surely clueless, surely non American sales person that it was the 4th of July (DOH!) and that I was waiting with my kids to see the fireworks. (DOUBLE DOH!)

"Oh I can talk to you while the kids watch?" They said.

I took the phone from my ear and looked at it in utter disbelief. Was this person for f**king real?.

"That's not going to happen" I said "goodnight" and I ended the call.

Somebody please help me understand what was this sales person thinking?

This is not the first time I have recently encountered crazy sales people.

A few weeks back this pastor and his wife knocked on my front door. My youngest son (3 and a half) opens the door thinking its his Mom. If my kids weren't right there I would have told this guy to be fruitful and multiply (but not in those words). He proceeds to go off on a rant about finding Jesus or going to hell. What a sales pitch. Come to my church or you're doomed!!!

Now I'm all for pursuit of spiritual well being but this to me was simply a crock of shit... what a f**kin whack job! I politely took his leaflet and shut the door in his crazy ass face.

With Morons on my phone and Jesus freaks at my door this whole nice guy thing of mine is being sorely tested. With this Irish temper of mine (rarely seen but trust me very real) perhaps I should rethink learning how to use firearms. God help me...can I get a witness?

CHASING BENJAMIN

Have you ever had to pursue someone for money they owed you? Man It really sucks. I have being trying to get a check now for almost two weeks from a venue that shall remain nameless. They have given so many lame excuses and blamed so many third parties for me not getting my check that at this point if I wasn't so pissed off I would think its kind of hilarious. Next they'll be blaming George Bush, the Clintons and global warming. All the lies just seem so pointless to me, if you are going to long finger or lie to someone at least do it with some semblance of grace. In fairness this is a new experience for me, such f**kology is rare.

I have an uncle Louie who is a New Yorker. An Italian American he used to work in the U.S. Navy towards the end of the cold war on the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Nimitz. He had a funny thing he used to say about the Russians in reference to using nukes which seems apt now after talking about all these zombies, morons, Jesus freaks and liars.

"Gimmie the button" he said "Just gimmie the button".

Oh my that ranting felt good!

Have a great week.

Hugh

Welcome to my latest tales from the road blog, this weekend I was in in Fresno here's what happened......

HUGH: THE 3D RIDE?

I've talked about playing at Moynihan's in Fresno many times before in my blog but I don't know if my tales from the road could ever fully capture the Moynihan's experience, you'd just have to be there. The characters, the atmostphere and the shenanigans. Its hard to capture it all in just words.

As most of you know I am putting together a tales from the road book and with this in mind I got so excited this weekend because I saw something that made me believe that while you may have to go to Moynihan's to fully get it there is hope that along with my words there maybe something that would help me bring you (the blog reader) as close as you could to the Moynihan's experience.

So what did I see? The photographs of local Fresno photographer Deborah Kountz. I met Deborah for the first time this weekend, it was a pleasure to meet her she is a nice person and a great photographer. She really captured the characters, the atmostphere, the action of Moynihan's. From Steve blowing smoke rings to Marty & Q-ball in deep conversation (possibly involving quantum physics....seriously!), Chris working behind the bar, the pirate choir singing and dancing etc etc.

I reckon that a collage of these pictures alongside my tales from the road blog entries about Moynihan's would be a perfect fit. Like bangers and mash, corned beef and cabbage, denim and leather (what?) Ok so I'm a little artsy fartsy...but trust me when you see them together you'll see what I mean. You'll be able to listen to my upcoming CD 'Finding Ireland in America', read the blog book and see the pictures....together I'm planning on creating a 3-D like Hugh experience!

It was the perfect weekend to capture a night in Moynihan's as owner Mike Moynihan just got the all clear after his cancer treatment. That was the best news any of us could have had.

MY POLYGAMIST BRIDES

In one of my past blogs I mentioned a girl in Moynihan's who had offered me her hand in marraige. Well recently her friend also made the same offer! She said among other things and I quote "Your wife is a lucky woman".

These two girls could be mistaken for twins, both have red hair, they have really outgoing Irish personalities and of course Irish blood. They do both sometimes wear glasses but as I have said before to all the smart ass bastards out there these girls are far from blind so f**k you and the horse you rode in on.

Seeing them both together now for the first time in a while I gave them a hypothetical dilemma.... "Ok so imagine for a second my wife left me and here I was in Moynihan's a single man and theres both of you standing in front of me...what would I do?".

Without hesitation one of them said "Oh we'd share".

The next few seconds in my brain went something like this......

Sharing two red haired Irish firecrackers?.......puppies and bunnies, puppies and bunnies, green fields and apple pies....shit I need to meditate or something...... AUUUUUMMMM

So getting a hold of myself I said "So you would be like my polygamist brides?".

"Yeah exactly" they both replied...at the same time!

Right then Deborah took a picture of us together and instead of cheese we all shouted "POLYGAMIST". The picture will work great with this story in my upcoming blog book. A classic Moynihan's moment now captured and all the smart assed bastards will be able to see they're both pretty too!

THE 100 DEGREES, FIRE-SMOG SHOW!

My second show in Fresno this weekend was in a new Irish venue in Fresno called 'The Public House'. I was playing outdoors but in the shade thankfully as the temperature settled around 100 degrees. Not as bad as last week in Tucson but last week I was playing indoors.

The fires burning in Northern California have left a layer of smog over the Fresno valley so the air quality wasn't good. It made for watery, itchy eyes and a scratchy throat. The conditions did cause a few challenges as I played. My electronic tuner told me my guitars were in tune but my guitars disagreed. The heat was literally expanding the wood in the guitar necks!! The heat also caused my hair to...well just be a disaster! (bad hair day?) I was having to continually pull it off my face and out of my mouth etc while trying to sing and play. Hair products were simply useless in the heat. I eventually just tied it up. Well the show must go on and it did. I was greatly helped by the many Moynihan's pirate choir members in attendance.

As it was an early 'All Ages' show I had to do a P.C. version of the song 'Alice'! I didn't want to do it but I got so many requests to hear the song I had to find a middle ground....as painful as it was. So we sang "Alice, Alice who the HECK is Alice?"(DOH!) It was kind of sad but hilarious at the same time. That song is just not the same without that one magnificent word.

ESPANA! ESPANA!

After Spain's quarter final defeat of Italy last week (which saw me almost drive off the desert road!) Spain went on to defeat Russia in the semi final and then yesterday faced Germany in the final.

Its been over forty years since Spain has won a major trophy. All kinds of superstitions about the Spainsh team such as certain unlucky dates for the team to play on, an apparently unlucky yellow away shirt and a jinx in penalty shootouts had all so far been overcome.

In the end one brilliant goal for Spain was the difference between the two teams and for me its a truly great thing to see the best team win. You would have though I was crazy afterwards shouting ESPANA ESPANA at the tv. I mean c'mon I'm Irish right? But it wasn't just a victory for Spain yesterday it was a victory for great football. There was no luck involved in Spain's Euro 2008 victory just hard work and great skill. Viva Todo Futbol!

Have a great week.

Hugh

This weekend I was in Tucson, man was it hot, but before I share with you this weeks tales from the road let me share some good news with you.....

PARENTAL ADVISORY: HARSH LANGUAGE

Wahey! you requested it and now my friends you've got it! My NEW 'live' CD project entitled 'Irish & Cover Songs: Live & Uncut' is done and is now available to buy at all my shows.

This ones got all the Hugh songs so many of you out there have been requesting that I put on CD. There's some country, some rock and there's that song you love about a girl called 'Alice'!

Most importantly though this CD is uncut. The artwork reads clearly PARENTAL ADVISORY: HARSH LANGUAGE. Yes, I can confirm this CD is an F-bomb lovers nirvana. Not for the kids.

The CD also features a bonus track featuring my friend Marty Montgomery from Fresno performing (as only he can) the hilarious song 'Asshole'. This CD is dedicated to political correctness haters everywhere. I suspect you'll f**king love it.

INVISIBLE ENTITY


I can't believe I am about to type a story about the weather! but I have to tell you about the heat I experienced this weekend in Tucson. I mean c'mon I'm Irish God damn it I am used to rain and then more rain rain and then a hint of sunshine before even more rain! Yes I have been living in gloriously sunny California for over 6 years but the hottest I have experienced here was about 100 degrees. I thought that was bad...phew...was I in for a suprise.

In Tucson this weekend it got up to 115! and when you step out of 70 degree cool air conditioning (70 would be a scorching summer day in Ireland!) and you are hit with a 45 degree temp. increase it was a serious shock to this Irishman's system. It was like some invisible entity or life force was pushing me back as I walked! The air is so heavy it feels like its weighing you down and you suddenly become aware of your breathing.

My question for everyone I talked to in Tucson this weekend was "How the f**k do you live in this heat?". It made me think about the line from comedian Denis Leary's song 'Asshole' when he says "I walk around in the summertime saying how about this heat? I'm an asshole, I'm an asshole, the worlds biggest asshole".

Is asking the question "How do you live in this heat?" like asking an Eskimo how does he live in the cold? or asking an Aborigine tribesman how he lives in the bush? Man they must thought I was a wuss. I guess I really am just a f**king 'Paddy on tour'!

THE BEAUTIFUL GAME

Right now in Switzerland and Austria they are holding the European Championship International football (soccer) championship ('Euro 2008'). For people like me who love 'the beautiful game' (soccer) this is a big deal.

I know to a lot of Americans soccer is just simply 'boring' or 'just for girls'. This makes me laugh, I'd like to see a American football or a baseball player run up and down for 45 minutes a half (over 10km a game). Those pussies wouldn't last five minutes.


Over the weekend I heard someone I would describe as a 'soccer hater' describe soccer in this way..."It's just dead to me". I know David Beckham coming to play for the L.A. Galaxy may have heightened soccer's profile in America but in my humble opinion there's a long way to go before most American's really 'get' soccer. The passion I have for football is ridiculous and is typical of most football fans across the world. Let me give you an example.

I am driving home from Tucson on Sunday afternoon I'm right smack bang in the middle of the desert (somewhere between Blythe and Indio) and I'm listening to a Euro 2008 game, Spain versus Italy. The commentary on the radio was in Spanish!! I don't speak Spanish but I knew Espana was Spain and Italia was Italy and that when Spain would score they'd scream GOOOOOOOOLLLLLE.

I was rooting for Spain because they are one of those teams that never seem to have any luck in these kind of tournaments. They are a quality team but always seem to get knocked out on penalty kicks. Italy were World Cup champions in 2006 and I hate them.

Why? Remember what happened in the U.S.A. versus Italy game in the 2006 world cup? (most of you probably don't) Well the U.S. player Brian McBride practically had his nose broken. In my opinion (no offense) the Italian team are dirty, vicious and so utterly 'jammy'(ridiculously lucky) its not funny.

Anyway back to the game. After extra time it goes to penalty kicks. It comes down to the fifth and final penalty taker for Spain. If he scores he breaks the Spanish tournament curse, Spain will win the game and go on to the semi final. NO PRESSURE.

The player to step up is none other than Mr. Cesc Fabergas.

Who the f**k is Cesc Fabergas? you might ask. Well Cesc Fabergas is one of the best players on the club team I support (Arsenal) and I know his ability really well. I am not joking when I say this kid is f**king world class.

The tension coming from the radio was intense it was like everything went into slow motion. I hear all the Italian fans whistling trying to distract Fabergas then the referee's whistle blow signaling Fabergas to take the penalty. The commentator says "Fabergas"...there seemed like an eternal pause...like time had stood still.

I was saying C'mon c'mon

Then like a bat out of hell the commentator screamed GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL...... ESPANA.

At this point I went crazy.....YESSSSSSSSSS, F**KING YES, F**KING YES, EAT SHIT YOU ITALIAN F**KS, YEEEESSSSSSSSSS I was whacko like that chick in the Exorcist. I was so excited I went swerving across lanes (thankfully no cars were beside me).

This is my PASSION for the beautiful game. I risk my life to celebrate this goal, the end of the Spanish tournament jinx. Can you imagine what I'd be like if it was Ireland playing??

I saw the pictures of Fabergas after scoring that penalty when I got home. The look on his face was just....Wow! imagine how you'd feel if you were the one who in one kick put to rest the ghosts of a nations painful soccer history. Yeah it was like that, f**king priceless.

Have a great week my friends.

Hugh

Welcome!

Here's some of my latest tales from the road...

AN EXPLOSION OF F**KS! = GROUP THERAPY?

Thursday night was off the chart. I rocked it like a suicide in a sleepy town and I have witnesses!! The owner of the place saw it all but still won't go for booking me at the weekend there?

Maybe its because I didn't have pyrotechnics, strippers, a shetland pony and a dwarf on stage. (Can you feel the sarcasm?) After a night like this I am left scratching my head at what part of this Irish one man f**king force of nature people don't get? But I digress.

Onto the explosion of f**ks....they came when I asked the crowd "Are you cool with me dropping the F-bomb?".

This started off everybody shouting up various versions of "F**k yeah" and "F**king yes" etc etc. In fact the whole bar just went off shouting "F**k"! It was a veritable F-bomb fest!

One guys starts shouting "f**k, f**k, f**k, f**k" at the top of his voice over and over again.... it was like some kind of group therapy session!

The next time I start this group therapy I'll start by saying.

"Hello I'm Hugh... I'm a f**k aholic".

POT HEAD REQUEST

I was only a few songs into my set on Friday night when this pot head guy walks up to me and says "Hey dude can I come up and jam a tune?"

"No, not tonight" I said nicely.

"Awww dude" he replied dissapointed.

"Ok, ok, ok dude play 'Rape me' by Nirvana...do it dude, do it right now"

Man he really was stoned...'Rape me' ? Yeah that would be sure thing to get an Irish bar going. What a f**king genius.

JAIL-BREAK OR BAIT?

This girl comes up to me on Friday night all excited "Will you please play the Thin Lizzy song Jailbreak for me?" she asked "I just got accepted as a deputy".

"Congratulations " I said.

I have never EVER seen a police officer that looked like this deputy.

"I hope they don't put you on traffic duty" I said.

"Why?" she asked

"Because you'd would most likely cause an accident" I said.

The funny thing is I wasn't flirting, if you saw her you'd know I was stating a fact.

When I introduced her to the audience she proceeded to put on a little show for everyone. Her way of saying "Hi here I am...I know you want me' !!!

She put her arms up folded them behind her head and started twisting her hips around seductively! She appeared to be doing an erotic version of a D.U.I. drunk test!!

If this was a real D.U.I. test she would have flunked but judging by the faces on the guys in the audience she wouldn't have had any trouble trying to persuade anyone to be cuffed.

She gave a whole new dimension to the term jail-bait!

LESBIAN TOAST:

"When you take a break can we come up and make a toast?" these two girls asked me. "Sure" I said "Why not?".

So after I took a short break I invited them up. I did notice they seemed to be very touchy, feely with each other but I didn't put two and two together until I heard the toast which began...

"I love my girlfriend she's the best, especially when she's undressed"!

The toast continued on with several variations on the theme of two girls f**king violently. How did I not see this coming? Perhaps after the pot head requesting 'Rape me' and the hot dancing deputy perhaps I thought I'd had my share of blog stories for the night. The other thing about these girls was the whole witch vibe they had...something about their clothes...its hard to describe...just a vibe I got from them. So was I an accomplice to a lesbian witchcraft toast? DOH!

Remember when you discovered Freddie Mercury or George Michael or Lance Bass was gay (depending on your age group!) and you were like..."shit how did I not see that?" It was like that... DOH!

SMACKDOWN 'O8. McCain vs Obama. WHO WOULD WIN?:

Sooner or later we all know this presidential campaign is going to get real mean and nasty. I say why don't they save a shitload of money and everyones precious time and just get in a ring and slug it out!

Think of it as a Presidental smackdown with the American people voting via phone American Idol style! It could be billed cheesily as

Dirty McCain harry vs Barack 'Shaft' Obama!

or maybe Chuck McCain Norris vs Barack 'Blade' Obama!

How hard core would they get to win? Would Obama go all Tyson on McCain's ear? would McCain pull out some Navy seal moves?

So tell me what you think! Screw the politics and your party affiliation.

McCain or Obama? the presidential smackdown....

How would you do it? where would you do it? who would win? and how?

So many questions...I look forward to your answers.

Have a great week.

Hugh


Category: Life


Welcome!

Here's some of my latest tales from the road...

AN EXPLOSION OF F**KS! = GROUP THERAPY?

Thursday night was off the chart. I rocked it like a suicide in a sleepy town and I have witnesses!! The owner of the place saw it all but still won't go for booking me at the weekend there?

Maybe its because I didn't have pyrotechnics, strippers, a shetland pony and a dwarf on stage. (Can you feel the sarcasm?) After a night like this I am left scratching my head at what part of this Irish one man f**king force of nature people don't get? But I digress.

Onto the explosion of f**ks....they came when I asked the crowd "Are you cool with me dropping the F-bomb?".

This started off everybody shouting up various versions of "F**k yeah" and "F**king yes" etc etc. In fact the whole bar just went off shouting "F**k"! It was a veritable F-bomb fest!

One guys starts shouting "f**k, f**k, f**k, f**k" at the top of his voice over and over again.... it was like some kind of group therapy session!

The next time I start this group therapy I'll start by saying.

"Hello I'm Hugh... I'm a f**k aholic".

POT HEAD REQUEST

I was only a few songs into my set on Friday night when this pot head guy walks up to me and says "Hey dude can I come up and jam a tune?"

"No, not tonight" I said nicely.

"Awww dude" he replied dissapointed.

"Ok, ok, ok dude play 'Rape me' by Nirvana...do it dude, do it right now"

Man he really was stoned...'Rape me' ? Yeah that would be sure thing to get an Irish bar going. What a f**king genius.

JAIL-BREAK OR BAIT?

This girl comes up to me on Friday night all excited "Will you please play the Thin Lizzy song Jailbreak for me?" she asked "I just got accepted as a deputy".

"Congratulations " I said.

I have never EVER seen a police officer that looked like this deputy.

"I hope they don't put you on traffic duty" I said.

"Why?" she asked

"Because you'd would most likely cause an accident" I said.

The funny thing is I wasn't flirting, if you saw her you'd know I was stating a fact.

When I introduced her to the audience she proceeded to put on a little show for everyone. Her way of saying "Hi here I am...I know you want me' !!!

She put her arms up folded them behind her head and started twisting her hips around seductively! She appeared to be doing an erotic version of a D.U.I. drunk test!!

If this was a real D.U.I. test she would have flunked but judging by the faces on the guys in the audience she wouldn't have had any trouble trying to persuade anyone to be cuffed.

She gave a whole new dimension to the term jail-bait!

LESBIAN TOAST:

"When you take a break can we come up and make a toast?" these two girls asked me. "Sure" I said "Why not?".

So after I took a short break I invited them up. I did notice they seemed to be very touchy, feely with each other but I didn't put two and two together until I heard the toast which began...

"I love my girlfriend she's the best, especially when she's undressed"!

The toast continued on with several variations on the theme of two girls f**king violently. How did I not see this coming? Perhaps after the pot head requesting 'Rape me' and the hot dancing deputy perhaps I thought I'd had my share of blog stories for the night. The other thing about these girls was the whole witch vibe they had...something about their clothes...its hard to describe...just a vibe I got from them. So was I an accomplice to a lesbian witchcraft toast? DOH!

Remember when you discovered Freddie Mercury or George Michael or Lance Bass was gay (depending on your age group!) and you were like..."shit how did I not see that?" It was like that... DOH!

SMACKDOWN 'O8. McCain vs Obama. WHO WOULD WIN?:

Sooner or later we all know this presidential campaign is going to get real mean and nasty. I say why don't they save a shitload of money and everyones precious time and just get in a ring and slug it out!

Think of it as a Presidental smackdown with the American people voting via phone American Idol style! It could be billed cheesily as

Dirty McCain harry vs Barack 'Shaft' Obama!

or maybe Chuck McCain Norris vs Barack 'Blade' Obama!

How hard core would they get to win? Would Obama go all Tyson on McCain's ear? would McCain pull out some Navy seal moves?

So tell me what you think! Screw the politics and your party affiliation.

McCain or Obama? the presidential smackdown....

How would you do it? where would you do it? who would win? and how?

So many questions...I look forward to your answers.

Have a great week.

Hugh

This weekend I was playing locally in Orange County and Los Angeles but before we talk Indiana Jones (non nerds you have been warned) let me share a few new tales from road....

TENNIS & ALCOHOL:

Every time I play in this local O.C. bar on a Thursday night these ladies come in after their weekly tennis workout. They are always appreciative of what I do and are lively audience members but this week they got just that little bit more drunk...and it showed!

Instead of dancing they started trying to do various types of kung fu kicks as I played, their attempt at a scissors kick was especially funny.Then one of them started screaming like a teenager on a roller coaster every time I finished a song. She was so loud it physically hurt! It was deafening. Initally it was kind of funny but after the 5th and 6th time it was starting to get old... if she was an opera singer she would have broken glass!

Then as I played ring of fire the non screaming tennis lady really served an ace. She grabs her boobs (shit Hugh not another boob story!) squeezes them in looks down at them then looks at me all dirty and says "check out MY ring of fire". I was so taken aback I literally had to stop playing the song. The whole bar was now laughing. "How am I supposed to sing with you doing that?" I asked.

For these tennis ladies it was now game set and match. This grand slam was done and dusted. (c'mon Hugh enough with the f**king cheesy tennis references). So as the tennis ladies left I joked with them "Your husbands won't know what hit them when you get home tonight".

BULLY PULPIT:

After finishing a lively Irish song last Thursday night I pointed at this stiff looking older guy and said..."Is it against your religion to clap?" (everyone else in the bar had been happily clapping along)

"I'm a protestant" he replied.

'Really?" I said

"So where exactly in the Protestant version of the bible does it say you can't clap along in an Irish bar?".

He didn't have an answer to that one but after calling him out he made sure to clap along the next time I asked for audience participation!

Shit is it possible that my shows are now just an elaborate cover for a bully pulpit?? I like to think in some small way I'm avenging 800 years of tyranny!

HALF POLISH, HALF IRISH 100% ASSHOLE:

This drunk guy on Thursday night boght my cd and give me a generous tip and while he claimed to be half Irish and half Polish as the night wore as you will read he was nothing but 100% asshole. Let me explain.

This drunk dick man had been with a gang of guys earlier on and stayed on solo after they left. He threw a few minor asshole comments at me earlier but nothing I'd type about. This all changed when I played 'Hound dog'. This seemed to be a trigger to this drunk dick man he went from zero to 100% asshole in seconds....

DD man (angrily): "This is an Irish bar you are supposed to play Irish music"

Me: (calmly) "I have been playing Irish music all night.... it was a request".

DD Man: (arrogantly) "I'm smarter than you"

Me: (in utter disbelief) 'What?"

Barman: (half joking) "You need to calm down buddy, maybe they just gave a better tip than you" ('they' referring to the guys who requested 'Hound dog'.)

DD Man: (to the barman) "Don't talk to me about tips..... I could buy this bar and the bar next door".

At this point everyone in the bar was laughing at DD Man and he looked embarrased. He then apologized to me saying that he was just kidding...yeah right. Then he goes and makes it even worse.

DD Man "Your version of Johnny Cash's Folsom prison blues is terrible...you are supposed to sing it real low not high".

Me: (laughing) "Buddy you have no clue what you're talking about...you need to quit while you're ahead".

Without skipping a beat DD Man continued: "Can I come up and sing it?"

Me: (firmly) "NO".

What a f**king nerve this asshole had. Insult after insult he shot at me and then he wants to come up and show me how to sing? I want to know here do these drunk dick men come from?

THE GREAT INDIANA JONES DEBATE:

The past few weeks everywhere I've been the new Indiana Jones movie comes up in conversation. The most common things I hear people saying about it are that Harrison Ford is SO OLD looking, that it was cheesy and that there was too much green screen special effects etc. Some of my friends just flat out hated it, fair enough, personally though I liked it. Although I do conceed it wasn't the same type of movie as the previous three.

The one negative comment that really irked me though (especially being a total f**kin nerd) was hearing people say and I quote "The plot was too far fetched".

This irritated me because while obviously the movie is a work of fiction the movies plot included a host of things that are anything but 'far fetched' including the actual crystal skulls, unexplained Mayan advanced technology, the nazca lines (in Peru), the so called God module in the human brain and the idea of 'Alien astronauts'.

The concept of 'Alien astronauts' as spoken about in the book 'Chariots of the Gods' by Erich von Däniken has been used in many movies before Indy 4 including Stargate, Battlestar Galactica and Aliens Vs Predator. Check this website out for more info: www.legendarytimes.com

How were the Mayan's able to build their pyramids? and how did they design the so called 'Mayan calendar' which was based on calculations only possible by having advanced knowledge of our solar system? http://www.tqnyc.org/NYC062607/maya_technolgy.htm

To this day no one understands how the quartz crystal skulls were sculpted (the real ones that is). Indy actually says in the movie that they didn't have the technology to sculpt a crystal skull back in 1957. We still don't have the technology to do it today. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crystal_skull

Theres more....

Nazca lines: http://www.crystalinks.com/nazca.html

God module: http://www.iol.ie/~afifi/BICNews/Health/health19.htm

I could go on and on and on...... Far fetched? I don't think so.

And I left out Area 51, the Roswell crash and remote viewing (all referenced in the movie too) I wonder did the Russians ban Indiana Jones 4 from movie theatres in Russia because they too thought it was too far fetched?

A penny for your thoughts.....

Till next week my friends.... may the force be with you!

Hugh

BLOG COMMENTS:

BRAD:

Harrison Ford doesn't look old...HE IS OLD!!! Seriously, he's like elevendy. And aliens not being real? C'mon people, you're telling me that the people that built structures and objects using ancient tools that modern builders can't duplicate with modern technology just up and vanished overnight? Aliens seems to be as good an explanation to me as any.

I AM A VELOCIRAPTOR:

The 'God Module' link is weird! I'd never seen that before, thanks! Also, THANK YOU! you're the only other person I've heard that didn't hate the Indiana Jones movie outright.
Besides the stupid anthropomorpho..size..d prairie dogs and the vine-swinging I thought the movie was alright! And now at least one other person didn't want to kill themselves after seeing it. Um...victory is mine?

HUGH:

Some people say the 'God Module' is a spiritual thing others think its for E.S.P. (extra sensory perception) or telepathy. Either way it's cool to think we have a part of out brain that we aren't using and could switch on at the appropriate time....say December 21st 2012?

I thought there was more to like than dislike about Indy 4. Remember when Star Wars Ep 1: The Phantom menace came out and all the super nerds were SUPER HATING Jar Jar Binks? I thought Jar Jar was irritating too but if being a nerd means you can't enjoy any movie anymore without geek over analyzation syndrome I'm not down with that.

Q-BALL:

I hated Indiana Jones not for the plot, though I have a feeling had George Lucas' hair not infected the movie it would have been best picture come next March. The aliens were very poorly done, when compared to aliens in other Spielberg movies, I mean really, these weren't nearly as cool as the ones in Close Encounters or War of the Worlds. And the sheer pointlessness and disrespect of several elements in the film also really drag it down.
Like the scene where Shia Labouff is swinging on vines, I don't have a problem with that, however I do have a problem with the cute furry monkey's that swing along with him and help save day in a classic "I'm George Lucas and there's not enough cute furry animals in this fucking picture" moment, REALLY!?!?!?! Since when the fuck did Indy need the help of small woodland critters to save the day!!!
And Kate Blanchett was horrible, her English accent kept poking it's head out like a turd after a night of eating soul food. This is quite possibly her worst role ever, and she is a decent actress. Now lets move on to Shia Labouff, he wasn't terrible in the movie, he wasn't anything he was just kind of there to watch Indy do cool stuff... and swing with monkeys... fucking monkeys. And the tribute to Marlon Brando at the beginning is so out of of place and so awkward, I mean really, what the fuck does the movie "The Wild One" have to do with Indiana Jones, it's ridiculous. And Shia Labouff is hardly Marlon Brando, maybe if Marlon Brando was covered in burning hair and smelled like cabbage.
and
Indy doesn't shoot one God damn person!
There's no grusome death sequence. The ant's don't count, there was no blood (Ex. Guy getting chopped up by the propeller in Raiders, The guy who got smooshed by the rock tumberler in Temple)
...If The Dark Knight sucks, I think I'll have to kill myself after the screeching disappointment Indy 4 was.
Rant over!
By the way, tsup Hugh!

HUGH:

Brilliant Q-ball f**king brilliant....this is exactly why I wrote about Indy 4 in this weeks blog. Its amazing how passionately so many people feel about this movie. Ranting is applauded and encouraged.

I guess I shoudn't bring up the subject of Ewoks right?

I am praying Shylaman's The Happening and X-files 2 will come through.

P.S. You want blood? have you seen the new Rambo? Shhhhhiiiiiit

CHRISTINA:

I'm going to have to agree with QBall... everything he said is exactly what I'm thinking (although, I still feel the aliens could have been left out of it). Seriously? FURRY GODDAMNED ANIMALS!? I want to find George Lucas and light all his body hair on fire, make him eat the curled up bits of his smoldering hair, and then slice his balls off with a dull, rusty razor... because that's what he's done to millions of Star Wars and Indy fans. Bastard.

Oh, and I will also make a suicide pact if Dark Knight sucks.

ROB:

It appears that someone has anger issues ( and you tell me I'm too sadistic?)

HUGH:

Remind me never to get on the bad side of Chris!

SHANA :

My 2 cents:
First and foremost let's all remember that Harrison Ford is now in his late 60's, coupled with the fact that he's supposed to be a professor of archeology (I guarantee NONE of my professors had any sort of action hero physique, be they old or young)! That said, seeing Jonesy climb on those crates and run like my grandpa made me die a little inside. I will say that Cate Blanchett was redeeming and did a decent job as the villainous Irina Spalko! The snake/rope part was a laugh, the ant migration was interesting, but I definitely could have done without the prairie dogs and monkeys (wtf???). Also, I love Shia, but think he was a bit miscast and didn't really pull off the Brando/Dean rebel fencer motorcycle rider role. I usually enjoy the comedic technique of generational age gap pairing and the miscommunication and hijinks they involve, but thought they did a vastly superior job of it in Live Free or Die Hard with Bruce Willis and Justin Long. I know Bruce is about 10 years younger than Harrison, but he was still in top form and totally kicked ass like the John McClane we know and love, sadly Indy did not. Both movies included crazy, completely over-the-top, unsurvivable situations, but that's sort of what we look forward to right? I fell in love with both Indiana Jones and Die Hard as a young child and I think the kid in me enjoyed the movie (sadly the jaded, spoiled, movie snob, adult in me did not).
It was entertaining, but not the 19 years worth of genius it could have been!

HUGH:

I loved your 2 cents! Thank you for sharing.

It was kind of shocking when you first see Indy outside the hangar at the start. I was like I know hes older but ...fuck. Indy's line from Raiders "Its not the years honey its the milage" after Marion tells him "You're not the man she knew 10 years ago" suddenly seemed ironic. Physically though hes in pretty good shape.... especially for 63!

I liked Kate Blanchett in it too. I bet the Prairie dogs thing was a Lucas idea.....somewhat of a Jar Jar moment methinks.

Shia is what 23? First in Transformers and now possibly the next Indiana Jones? man he must wake up in the morning and pinch himself. You are right Willis pulled it off in Die Hard 4. I just wish he'd had more cool lines to say though.

The conflict between the inner child and the movie snob... well put, I think thats exactly whats going on with so many people about this movie.

CHRISTINA:

Harrison Ford is OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD! But honestly, that isn't what bothered me the most. What bothered me is that it felt like the director and all the actors didn't even try - AT ALL! I don't forget that I'm one of the biggest nerds in the world, and I HATED the new movie. I want nothing to do with it, and I never want to see it again. It really bothers me that much.
:-(

HUGH:

It was your facebook headline about Indy 4 that inspired this unofficial survey of mine!

Its amazing to me how many people I have talked/typed to that just flat out HATED it and how their blood boils over at just the mention of it! That really suprised me.

Personally I liked it (bar the prairie dog, 'jar jar'esque moments) but I respect your opinion.

You see I'm cool with people saying that they flat out don't like it... its the 'too far fetched' thing that irks me.

REVENGE OF THE SEA MONKEY:

I didn't hate it, but I didn't particular like it either. Some of the stuff was just too... I mean a guy swinging from vine to vine to catch up with a car? please.

I didn't have a problem with the Aliens I had a problem with the space ship.

I also had a problem with him crawling in a fridge and being blasted but coming out looking 99.9% okay. I just don't see it happening.

I realize that this is just a movie but somethings are just plan stupid even for a movie. Harrison Ford is almost 65, how else did they expect him to look?

I thought the tree swinging back and hitting them on the rock was rather.... cartoonishy expected?

I dunno, like I said I didn't flat out hate it, but I wouldn't buy it either.
[I own all of the others].

HUGH:

What was wrong with the spaceship?

I have a feeling that the surviving a nuclear explosion in a fridge scene may have been tagged onto the movie after it was done to try and make the opening better.

ANNETTE:

Plotholes, schmotholes. I was just as giddy as a pee-monkey to have Marion back.

HUGH:

I agree, it was cool to have Marion back.

BRAD:

Ok, I downloaded the new Indy movie and just finished watching it. The only question I have to all the Indy fans that are soooo disappointed and angry with this installment is simply this...Did you actually watch the other 3 Indy films? Seriously, what were you expecting out of an Indiana Jones movie? This one contains everything that you come to expect from the Indy franchise...Crazy takes on historical/mythical people, places, and objects, over the top stunts and special effects, eccentric characters, etc.

How could you watch people's faces melt after crazy ghost looking things come out of the Ark of The Covenant in "Raiders", Mola Ram ripping the still beating heart out of some dude before lowering him into a lava pit in "Temple of Doom", and a knight from the First Crusade that is still alive guarding the Holy Grail in 1939 (that would make him over 800 years old) in "The Last Crusade", and say "Yeah, I can buy all of those, but aliens? That's just too far fetched to believe.
" Really? You've got to be kidding me!

Wake up people, it is a work of fiction that was made to entertain. Quit trying to analyze it beyond what is...A MOVIE!!!!! A movie that I thought was entertaining. Not extraordinary, but entertaining none the less.

Rant over...for now.

This weekend has been one of extremes. I've driven through a freak storm from hell, witnessed the truly professional wielding of boobs, understood why a girl should never try Irish dancing with a drunk Mexican, tried to convince an audience they'd been abducted by aliens AND I soldiered on performing in spite of the fact I was being repeatedly sniff searched by an Irish Wolfhound!!!

Yes, this weeks tales from the road blog is one strange trip, , brace yourself, take a deep breath, ok....here we go....

WEATHER CONSPIRACY (WHO'S PLAYING THE HAARP?)

On my way to a new venue called 'Un Corked' on Thursday night I drove headfirst into a storm from hell. Did you hear about the tornadoes in California on the same night?

Weirdness I know, California is supposed to be earthquake not tornado territory. Thankfully I was nowhere near those California tornadoes the storm I was in was the same weather system though, it was a mean and nasty beast.

Ironically as I drove through the storm determined to get to my show it was as if God himself had...ahem...un corked the floodgates of the heavens (ouch). As I got closer the sky went forebodingly dark there was lightning, thunder, torrential rain and hail it was difficult to drive in, visibility was poor, in fact it seemed like there was a months worth of California rain in an hour!

Driving in this storm I got to thinking.... (go with me here)....imagine if you could control the weather!! (No I don't want to be a x-men mutant called 'storm' although having boobs like Halle Berry might be beneficial...more on that in a minute)

What I mean is what would you do with your own HAARP?.....confused?.... Let me explain.

Well 'HAARP'? (no that's not a spelling error) stands for High frequency Active Auroral Research program. WTF? Before you say it smartasses, I am not taking meds... read on.

Ok so you know about the recent typhoon in Myanmar, the recent severe tornadoes across the U.S. in fact the general bizarre and unpredictable weather across the world right? Well some believe HAARP maybe the cause of this and a whole lot more. You think I'm making this up? Follow the links below for some mind blowing info:

OFFICIAL: http://www.haarp.alaska.edu/

Page of UN OFFICIAL links: http://www.greatdreams.com/haarp_database.htm

Oh and what would I do if I had my own HAARP? Give Ireland a decent summer!, remind people in Seattle what sunshine is and I'd make it snow year round in Mammoth!!

LOOKOUT FOR THE CORNCOB RETRACTOR MAN

Friday night I had a great show in Riverside, the crowd was up for it big time. There was however one comatosed table that seemed just numb to fun (sound familiar? there's always one ). To deal with this table my friend Brad revealed that he actually had a corncob retractor in his car if this table of miserable bastards needed operating upon.

Later I advertised Brads retractor services (at his request) over the microphone which as you can imagine led to some anally confused audience members. What a hilarious concept!.....Brad you shall be hence forth known as The Corncob Retractor Man!

THE IRISH DANCER AND THE DRUNK MEXICAN

It started off harmlessly when an obviously trained Irish dancer and an enthusiastic drunk Mexican got up to dance but it got ugly real fast. First the Mexican spins her like a top and sends her flat on her back like a torpedo under a unsuspecting table! It was a sight too see... how she wasn't seriously hurt I'll never know.

Amazingly she just got right up and kept on dancing! Damn what a pro.

Not content with his torpedo spin the Mexican dance sensation had another stunt for his finale. His pants fell down revealing half his ass. It was accidental exposure but he celebrated it like he'd scored a goal for Mexico in the world cup finals. Damn it was more 'moon' light then I needed to see.

THE ART OF PROFESSIONAL BOOB WIELDING

Last week I told you about how I saw a girl have her boobs used as a basketball hoop...well that was just playing around. This weekend I saw how two 'professional' (exotic dancer) boob wielders work.

Up walks two pretty blonde girls and they lean over this wood fence type of thing a few feet in front of where I am playing... they adjust to make sure I can see they're boobs and say "Will you play the drunken sailor?".

I looked at them (their faces) and smiled, what they didn't realise was that the drunken sailor was actually what I was about to play. Because I didn't say yes or no to their request they decided to drop things down a notch so they crossed they're arms on the wood fence thing and pushed their boobs down on them for maximum 'outage', in fact one of them leaned over so far her feet practically left the ground!! I laughed out loud, now the whole bar was watching.

Sensing an agenda I decided to have some fun with them. "Ok" I said "If you can get five other girls to do what you just did then I'll play it" they looked around but could see no willing participants. It looked like they didn't have a plan B.

"It's ok" I said "I was actually just about to play the drunken sailor".

"Right now?" one of them said (relieved her boob pride was intact) "Yes" I said. They looked happy, another booby mission had been successfully accomplished. But I wasn't finished...

"By the way" I continued "Are they real?"(referring to her boobs). The audience laughed.... "Yes" she said cupping them with both hands proudly. "Alright" I said "Ladies and gentlemen... lets hear it for the girl with the real boobs".

Oh but hang on this was not the end of their 'professional' boob wielding next came their showstopping finale! A whole other level of booby mind control.

Towards the end of the night I look over and there at the bar is one of the boob wielders with her boobs covered in cool whip!.....seriously...it was like that.... but this wasn't the whole picture.... there was also a guy involved... and as casual as if he was drinking a beer he was licking that cool whip right off!

Every time I think I've seen everything that could happen in an Irish bar somebody pulls another rabbit from their bra (doh!).

TALES FROM THE MONTGOMERY RANCH

Saturday I got to play at the Montgomery ranch in Paso Robles. I have way too many funny anecdotes to share here but I'll give you some highlights.....

Divine Intervention: Just as I was about to start playing the rain clouds parted and a shaft of sunlight shone directly onto the stage!! So maybe I do have my own pocket HAARP!

Sniff searched: The Montgomery's have an Irish wolfhound have you ever seen one of these dogs? They are more like a small horse than a dog! As I performed this ancient Celtic beast would come up and sniff search me...I know the show must go on but this took a whole new level of professionalism to rock through!

Alien abduction & time loss: I started a song and then abruptly stopped. People were looking at me like 'why are you stopping?'. I explained that I had actually started and finished the song its just that in the meantime they had all been abducted by aliens and were now suffering from abductee time loss!

Getting numbers: My son Matthew is just 11 but on Saturday this girl a little older than him gave him her cell number!! He got his first girls number. God I think I need a shot of whiskey.

Gladiator by the campfire: At the end of the night a few party goers gathered around the campfire and heard a tale from the story teller 'Martimus' who with the rousing music from the movie Gladiator playing (via cell phone!) in the background told us blow by blow of the first battle general Maximus fought in the Roman Coliseum and how he revealed his true identity to the emperor. It was truly a surreal experience.

Pistol in hand: Before I left the ranch on Sunday I got to hold a pistol not too far off the kind used by the outlaw Josey Wales (That movie is one of my favorite Clint Eastwood westerns). As I held that old pistol up there among the lost hills of Paso Robles I could have sworn I heard a ghost of the old west whisper to me...."I reckon so".

Have a great week.

Hugh

I have just come back from Tucson. It was college graduation weekend. Here's some of what went down.

BRITISH LOVE?

Some of you may find this hard to believe but this weekend I was on the receiving end of whole lot of British love! First of all I got to stay this weekend at my British friend, Dave B's condo in a 'posh' (up market) part of Tucson. Thank you David. Then at one point early on Saturday night there was a gang of guys clapping and loudly singing along with me, they were British R.A.F. (Royal Air Force) mechanical engineers!!.... I was confused? what the f**k was going on?

THE POWER OF 'ALICE'!!

Here I am talking about this song 'Alice' again! Sometimes it seems like its got a power all of its own. Its bringing people back to my shows, causing awkward moments between parents and their college graduating kids and now I hear its apparently big in Mexico! Let me explain...

First of all that gang of Indian's (as in India) I mentioned in my blog a few weeks ago well they were back at the bar again this weekend and what was the first song they requested I sing? you guessed it 'Alice'!

Before I sang Alice this weekend I looked out at all the parents sitting with their graduate kids and thought to myself.....Ok I think some of these old stiff fogey's will need to be warned what's coming! So I announced "Is there anyone out there tonight who is easily offended?...well the next song I am going to sing contains the F word.... so if you are easily offended, brace yourself!". Then as I played the song and the whole bar sang loudly "ALICE, ALICE, WHO THE F**K IS ALICE? it was just priceless to see the jaws on some parents faces drop and to see their graduate kids who so desperately wanting to sing along with their glasses high in the air but instead had to just suck it up and pretend to be grown up!

Finally about 'Alice' being big in Mexico a new member of staff asked me who originally sang the song 'Alice '....."Its originally sung by a band called Smokey" I told her. She said she had heard the song many times in cantinas in Mexico! I didn't ask her was it a Spanish version...if it was that would be funny. (Alicia, Alicia quien chingados es Alicia?)

Or imagine the chorus of 'Alice' in chinese.....

愛麗絲，愛麗絲是誰他媽的是愛麗絲？(according to google translator)

GAS PRICES: CONSPIRACY AND STUPIDITY ABOUNDS

As you can imagine with all the driving I do all over the Southwest I am really feeling the rising gas prices. I have a lot to be thankful for in my life so I don't really spend much time thinking about it but when I do there are some things about these rising gas prices that really piss me off. Here's three for starters:

1. The President having to plead with our "friends" in Saudi Arabia to increase oil production.

2. The likelihood that there will be no building of domestic oil refineries or drilling for oil in Anwar (Alaska) or f**king anywhere else for that matter due to the whack job enviromentalists armed with lobbyists gone wild and high power lawyers on practically tenure retainers.

3. The oil companies 'buying' up the patents for new fuel technologies which could replace oil and then putting them 'on hold' to protect profits.

Now don't get me wrong I am all for the free market, capitalism etc I think its part of what has made America a great country but I just don't buy the whole supply and demand argument as an excuse for rising gas prices. This is a situation where we the people are literally paying the price for politicians wanting to keep their job instead of doing something to change the oil dependency status quo.

SHOOTING HOOPS: ICE CUBES BETWEEN BOOBS

When I first came to live in the U.S. I noticed that most American men appear to have zero subtly when it comes to checking out or talking to women. I saw a great example of this on Friday night. This girl goes up to the bar to settle her tab she folds her arms onto the bar and props up her large 'assets' proudly for all the world to see. Her top...if you could call it that, left NOTHING to the imagination.

I watched as this guy walks up to her looks straight at her boobs and says "You're sticking them out on purpose aren't you?" she smiles and says, rather unconvincingly, "No I'm not!". He then proceeded to repeatedly attempt basketball three pointers between her boobs with ice cubes. Not at all subtle but crassly ballsy in fairness to him. She really didn't seem to mind. "Does this happen to you all the time?" I asked "Yeah" she said. She wholeheartedly agreed with me that American men have zero subtly, although she admitted she wasn't exactly Ms. subtle herself.! This lack of subtly in American men does make a difference to her choices in life though "This is why I only date international" she said.

TUCSON QUOTES OF THE WEEK:

1. Talking about the rising gas prices and the new hip green hybrid cars etc a friend of mine remarked "Man that Toyota Prius looks like a gay spaceship". (The next time you are out driving and you see a Toyota Prius, I challenge you to take a second look at it, think of the description above and tell me there isn't some truth in it.)

2. An Indian man (as in India) was reluctant to eat Thai curry with his Graduate daughter at Tucson's best Thai restaurant Vila Thai. However after eating his meal he apologized to the owner of the restaurant for his earlier 'curry snobbery' and said he really enjoyed the meal and that "I would have licked the bowl clean....but I am in public". Yeah I can testify to that, the food there is THAT good.

3. "I'm just a cold hearted son of a Bush!". (Local Tucson talk radio host sarcastically describing himself )

Have a great week.

Hugh

Now for something a little different....I have just attended California traffic school and this is yet another baptism of fire into American culture for me...In fairness the instructor was very good he kept things interesting, he was ok...it was my classmates that scared me!

GANG BANGER QUESTION MAN:

Why is it in these type of scenarios that theres always one guy who just won't shut up and put a sock in it? Well there was one such guy in traffic school with me last week, man he just wouldn't stop with his endless dumbass questions. I didn't catch his name so for this blog I am just going to refer to him as Gang banger question man (GBQ man).

He thought he was such a hard ass and oh did he love the sound of his own voice. I think he fancied himself as a cross between Carlos Mencia and 50 cent.

When we talked about traffic signs he asked "Hey what does a sign with bullet holes in it mean?".

Later on the subject of traffic cameras he asks the instructor this "So If I wore a mask and had no plates would I still get caught?".

But he was only getting warmed up. As I go through some more stories below you'll read even more of his Einstein like questions....

3 MINUTES OF F(SH)AME:

As part of keeping people awake and on their toes the instructor now and then called upon members of the class to come up and in three minutes or less introduce themselves give their life story and what they were here for.

The first girl up was just priceless. Her excuse for driving too fast was.... and I quote "Well... I was driving a Mercedes".....WOW! O.C. chicks really need a f**king reality check. At this point GBQ man piped in with "What model?... what kind of rims?". Her reply "I don't have rims, I'm a single mom".

After her 'testimony' as she sat back down the instructor said to her "So that wasn't so bad was it?"...her reply "Oh I am on stage all the time". Ironically, never a truer word was spoken.

Another girl who testified later on was very tall (almost 6 foot) and she was very pretty. She got a very enthusiastic cheer from all the drooling boys as she walked up to the podium. But when her testimony only lasted about 20 seconds the instructor then opened her up to questions from the floor...doh!...they started with "What height are you?" but quickly moved onto questions like "Are you single?" and "Whats your sign?" etc. Her 3 minutes of f(sh)ame concluded suprise, suprise with a question from GBQ man who shouted up at the top of his voice "Whats your MySpace page?".

PLANE CROSSING?

As I mentioned above at one point during the night we were talking about road signs.We were looking at different road signs and had to write out what we thought they all meant. Most of the signs were pretty obvious and when we came across one with a white airplane in the middle of it. The instructor sarcastically joked "Ok so that obviously means 'Airport' but honestly how many of you put down 'Plane crossing'?" which got a big laugh.

But this wasn't the real punchline that came shortly afterwards. At the end of the road sign segment the instructor finishes by asking "Ok does anyone have any questions?"....immediately this girl up the front puts up her hand and deadly seriously says.."Is there a plane crossing sign?".....WHAT?

NASCAR PARKING GARAGE:

The instructors last words to his departing traffic school students were the following..."Take your time, drive carefully, remember the local police know what time traffic school gets out!....oh and be patient in the parking structure you'll get out eventually."

Oh my...was he was wasting his breath.

The walk / run! out of the building wasn't far off a f**kin emergency evacuation! By the time I got to the parking structure all you could hear was 4 or 5 parking levels of cars horns beeping and people shouting!! This was beyond just road rage it was f**king parking garage rage. Getting between cars to get to my own was like an assault course...It was like everyone was in the warm up lap for a Nascar race!!

Thankfully I had backed my car into a space and I was on the ground floor, it was dog eat dog, there would've been zero hope of anyone letting me out. It was hard to believe all these people were leaving traffic school!!

Welcome to the mind set of California drivers.

THE CALIFORNIA TRAFFIC SCHOOL EXPERIENCE (PART 2)

GBQ MAN INTRO:

"Did anyone get a ticket since last week?" was the first question the instructor asked as we began our 2nd night of traffic school. He hadn't even finished his opening question when GBQ man already shot out his first comment "Yeah, I nearly did" he shouted proudly. Can you f**kin believe this dickhead?

THREE MINUTES OF F(SH)AME (THE SEQUEL)

The class then started with three class participants coming up to share their traffic ticket and life stories in three minutes or less. Tonight's contestants were intentional and unintentional comics.

The first guy picked introduced himself like this "Hi everybody, I'm Rob, I'm an alcoholic!". The next girl up was an emo chick, she was a little shy and gave the instructor some emo evil eye for making her come up and do her three minutes in purgatory. She said "I was cited for speeding but I can't remember how fast I was going". (I am not making this up, that is a direct quote!)

Last but not least someone volunteered to come up!? Where did he think he was? f**kin summer camp? This volunteer-a-nator said he worked in the 'happiest place on earth' and that he couldn't argue with the officer who gave him the speeding ticket because he was quote 'Too nice". Surely this three minutes of f(sh)ame 'volunteer' was partial to narcotic recreation.

GBQ MAN GETS BURNED:

On the subject of DUI mr buttwipe GBQ man asked "If the passenger of a drunk driver is drunk too will he also get charged?". The instructor looked at him over his glasses as if to say... are you f**kin stoned? What part of 'Driving' Under the Influence did this f**ker not understand?

But then talking about how alcohol gets absorbed into the bloodstream GBQ man shouted up "How about Dry ice? isn't that absorbed into the bloodstream faster than alcohol?" (WTF) This brought a collective groan from the class who at this stage was growing tired of GBQ mans f**kology.

This was the final straw for the instructor who pointedly said to GBQ man "You and I and are gonna have a talk after class son". The crowd cheered and humiliated there wasn't a peep from GBQ man for the rest of the night!

WATCHING TOO MUCH GREY'S ANATOMY

GBQ man was now burnt but from his ashes a pompous phoenix arose! I am going to call him Arrogant Medical Student (AMS) man.

The instructor was explaining why LSD carried such serious consequences because bad trips can return unexpectedly without warning many years after initial use. AMS man then arrogantly calls out the instructor and says "You're wrong. I am a medical student at U.C.I. Irvine (he said this particularly loudly) and I study this stuff. LSD is gone from your system in four days".

The instructor politely told him he was mistaken but AMS man was obviously living in Mc dreamy world because he just wouldn't let it go. "You are wrong" he said again. This brought a collective groan from the audience....were we ever going to get out of here?

Out of the blue a pissed off little miss "Well I was driving a Mercedes" (from part 1 above) interjects "No you're wrong" she says to AMS man. He tries to talk over her and she barks "Excuse me.... I'm talking" to which she receives a big round of applause.

This arrogant medical student like his predecessor gang banger question man was burned publicly big time by the crowd he so desperately was trying to impress. Karma is indeed a most beautiful thing to behold.

OTHER TRAFFIC SCHOOL QUOTES:

1. Instructor: "Wow you are so soft spoken"

Ignorant as pig shit class member: "I'm a girl...DUH"

2. Question: What are your options when you're drunk and need to get home?

Dumb ass class member suggestion: "Call the cops and ask them for a ride home?".

3. Instructor: "Being a police officer means you get to do all the cool things your mother would never let you do. 1. Drive fast, 2. Carry a gun and 3. Hang around with people of questionable character".

4. A sheepish girl asks the instructor: "Did you give him a ticket?" (referring to instructors earlier story about pulling over a Hollywood star for speeding).

Sheepish girl asks him 3 or 4 times the same question but he couldn't hear her.

Instructor: "Excuse me...What?.... I am sorry what did you say?".

As this non exchange was happening a classmate went ahead and answered the sheepish girls question (No). Then the sheepish girl apologized to her classmates for not paying attention earlier and then the people around her laughed.

Instructor... as he walks over "What was all that?"

Impatient classmate answers like a bitch: "She asked did you give (big Hollywood star) a ticket then I told her you didn't then she apologized for not hearing your earlier answer then we all laughed" (what a c**t)

5. Instructor: "Ok on a traffic signal is the red light on the top or the bottom?"

One dumb ass class member: "On the bottom".(DOH!)

And I wonder why I have road rage?

Have a great week my friends!

Hugh

This weekend I was in Riverside and Fresno. Here's what went down......

RIVERSIDE RANTING REVENGE!

I had a great night on Thursday in a brand new Irish venue in Riverside. My last show in Riverside was about a year ago...I got fired for saying "Put your f**kin hands up"....hard to believe I know but indeed political correctness has even entered into the arena of an Irish bar. Anyway I got to vent my revenge with the following rant to an extremely enthusiastic crowd....I said

"The last time I played in Riverside.... in a bar whose name I won't dignify with a mention...... I actually got fired for using the F word". The crowd booed.

"However...I feel confident that won't happen here tonight". Q a big cheer from the crowd...."So c'mon and PUT YOUR F**KIN HANDS UP"

When I finished the song I asked the crowd...."How many times did I use the F-word during that song?...4?....5?...well if anyone wants to complain about my language make f**kin sure in your complaint that you get right the exact number of f**ks I said".

At last, the ghosts of my firing for the use of expletives were finally put to rest. Not exactly revenge but it sure felt like it.

CHERRY PICKING PADDY

Last time I was in Fresno I had a major Gun's R Us type experience this time around my cultural baptism by fire was out in the farm fields of Fresno! I got to go out on a farm and pick some of the first cherries of the season right off the tree. They were the sweetest, juiciest cherries I ever tasted...like grapes with a kick...and a big nut! As I tasted the cherries for some reason I remembered that old horrible cock rock song "Shes my cherry pie"!!

I know thats kind of a strange thing to pop into my mind....wait...pop... cherry..get it? Ok,ok so I need to stop being 13 for a minute....while obviously that song wasn't inspired by actually picking cherries now that I have actually picked / popped actual cherries for the first time...wait, wait oh thats all coming out wrong...(DOH!) jeez whats with all these unintentional shagging references? I guess cherries are indeed a natural sexual reference minefield!

TELLYTUBBY PORN!!!!

My wife knowing my interest in all things zombie told me a few weeks back she saw something on 'Entertainment Tonight' about porn star Jenna Jameson trying to break away from porn in a new zombie movie called 'Zombie strippers'!

I shared this news with a friend of mine in Tucson (who I'll keep nameless) who in turn discovered via google that there is actualy such a thing as Zombie porn! Now thats some sick shit.

So on Saturday night after my show down in I-hop I naively asked some drunken Moynihan's Pirate Choir members "Could anything be worse than Zombie porn?"....silly Irishman...I opened Pandora's box. Someone announced they had seen 'Terradactyl' porn... a man in a suit doing the wild thing....I was like...are you f**king serious?.... WTF?? Man there are some sick bastards out there with way too much time on their hands.

This led to speculation over other sick porn themes for example imagine Ewok porn, Centurion (robot warrior form Battlestar Galactica) porn, Sniper porn! and even Barney (kids show or Simpsons character!) porn. The worst idea of them all though was 'Tellytubby porn'. This led to verbal porn imitations intermingled with telly tubby impersonations including the now seemingly twisted phrases "eh oh...eh-oh", "again, again" and "tellytubby custard"!! I know, I know what a sick bunch of f**king nerds. The worst part is I was the instigator that chimed in "What about tellytubby porn?".

FRESNO-NIAN QUOTES

1. I got a great introduction for my show on Friday night in Fresno. Spoken like a boxing announcer and with the Superman theme playing via his cellphone over the microphone my friend Marty introduced me to the crowd by saying.... "Ladies and gentlemen... 'live' tonight in Moynihan's.... direct from Ireland via Hollywood....HUUUUUUUUUUUGH....Lets get ready to STUMBLE!"

2. "This beats the hell out of pennies" said this girl as she put $10 into my